This is a piece of Biblical Fiction – taking well know characters and situations from the Bible and filling in the missing pieces. It is a product of my imagination. I originally wrote it in 2015 after hearing a sermon on Nicodemus’ night visit to Jesus. I have edited it now to share with you.
Nicodemus was a Pharisee. Like Jesus he would have been intimately familiar with the scriptures, and part of his job was to teach and lead the people to God. He is mentioned three places in the Gospels: John 3:1-21, John 7:50-51, and John 19:39-42. Although he meets with Jesus, and we know by the end he accepts Jesus enough to assist in his burial after the cross, we have no record of how Nicodemus responded to Jesus’ words the night they met in the dark.
The following is my interpretation of how he could have responded. Jesus never held his punches, and many of the words he said to Nicodemus that night would have convicted him. Some responded to Jesus with anger, others with belief. I imagine Nicodemus’ life as a Pharisee would have led him to experience both.
I hope you enjoy reading my story, and when you are done, I hope you return to the scriptures to read the true story found in the New Testament book of John. May we all have ears to hear and eyes to see.
Nicodemus kicked the door open with all his might. It flew against the wall with a crash, causing his wife to jump from her seat at the table and his children to fly into the dark corners of the room. Their eyes were wide with fear as if a large beast had burst through a wall, and he saw them shaking.
He understood their fear.
Nicodemus was usually in control of his emotions, a stoic, hard to read. The calm center in a stormy debate. The one person with whom no one picked a fight because how can you be angry with a man who refuses to get angry back?
No longer. Nicodemus was on fire, and everyone in the room could tell.
“Nico, darling, what is wrong?”
Nicodemus looked at his wife. She had moved a few steps closer, her hands raised, whether in defense or in welcome, he could not tell.
“Why are you so late tonight?” she asked. “Did something happen at the temple? Is there more trouble with the Galilean?”
The Galilean. Jesus. The very mention of him made Nicodemus’ anger flare into rage. He needed to break something.
Charging forward, he grabbed the corner of the table and tossed it over on its face. Sowing needles, candles, and clothing flew to the floor. His two daughters and wife lunged for the candles, stomping on the flames before they could start a fire using their hard work for fuel. The room darkened as the flames were doused, only a small window candle now lighting the room.
“Father?” his son asked, still hiding in the shadows.
“Please, darling, talk to me,” his wife pleaded, moving forward again.
Throwing his arms up, he forced her to step back. His son moved forward as if in concern that Nicodemus might hurt her. He was not entirely sure that he wouldn’t.
He needed to talk to someone, but it was not her.
Charging from the room with a low growl, he barreled into his study and slammed the door behind him. The crash was so loud that it hurt his ears.
Nicodemus grabbed his head and pulled on his hair.
“Agh!” he growled and charged for his desk. He threw books, scrolls, pens, everything within reach to the floor. He clutched the front of the desk, his body shaking.
He closed his eyes as hard as he could, attempting to keep the tears at bay, but his mind recalled the image of Jesus’ face which made him want to cry even more.
“Are you a teacher of Israel, and yet you do not understand these things?”[1]
He did not understand. That was the problem, and not understanding made him look foolish in front of Jesus’ followers. Jesus had publicly rebuked him. Nicodemus’ shame made him angry, but now he was alone.
Still grasping the desk, Nicodemus fell to his knees and pressed his forehead against the cold stone top.
“I don’t understand,” he whispered. “I just don’t understand.”
As his anger faded, sadness surged into its place.
“Why did I go to see him?” he asked himself. “Why did I let myself lose control?”
Unbidden, a verse from Proverbs flooded his mind: Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.[2]
With these words, his tears were unleased. Jesus had not only rebuked him; he made Nicodemus lose his temper. Nicodemus’ calm was his distinguishing trait among the Pharisees. What happened? How had Jesus disturbed Nicodemus’ peace? How had he touched the fabric of Nicodemus’ soul?
Wracking sobs scratched his throat and tightened his chest. Nicodemus curled up on the cold, stone floor, pulling his body tight, as small as possible. His sobs shook his entire body, and he gasped for air.
After some time, he fell silent. His anger had abated, but his desperation had not. Crawling weakly over to the window, he pushed the shutters open and felt the cool night air bathe his wet face, drying his tears.
Nicodemus sucked in the air like a drowning man coming above the waves. With his eyes still closed, he smelled the earth outside his window and his wife’s lilacs blooming. A new energy filled him. It came surging to him on the wind. Jesus had mentioned the wind:
“The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”[3]
“Are you a teacher of Israel, and yet you do not understand these things?” [4]
Nicodemus stood up and slammed the shutters. He could not breathe. He needed to break something again. Next to the window was a large vase, Nicodemus snatched it up in his large hands. Pausing, he looked at the vase, felt the smoothness of its curves, and traced the engravings with his thumb. His wife loved this vase. It had been a wedding present from her parents many years ago.
He set the vase down gently next to the window.
“Nicodemus, please,” he heard his wife whisper at the door. “Tell me if you are all right. What is this darkness that has overcome you?”
“Darkness?” he asked. Jesus had also mentioned the darkness:
“This is the verdict, Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil.”[5]
“Nico?”
“Leave me,” Nicodemus replied, clutching his chest, trying to steady his racing heart.
Slowly, he sank again to his knees. He knew only one place to go for comfort. Closing his eyes, he brought his hands together.
“Lord, I’m frustrated,” he began, choking on the words. “I need your wisdom. I need assurance.”
He knelt in silence until his knees ached and his back throbbed.
He had no other words.
Opening his eyes, he again pulled himself up to the window and opened it to the breeze. He breathed in and out slowly this time. Stretching out his mind to the heavens. The heavens, Jesus had mentioned them too. It is with talk of the heavens that he had caused Nicodemus’ humiliation:
“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.”[6]
“How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother’s womb and be born?”[7]
“Are you a teacher of Israel, and yet you do not understand these things?” [8]
“I don’t understand,” he whispered into the night. “I just don’t understand.”
Nicodemus looked around the room. Though it was large and richly appointed, a sign of his great status, it felt suffocating. The walls looked so much closer than they had this afternoon, the stone floor felt much colder on his bare legs. He needed to get out.
Scrambling to his feet, Nicodemus grabbed his codex, an ink pot and a quill. He needed to write down his thoughts. Put them in order, make sense of…
Make sense of what?
He was not sure, but he knew he would never figure it out in this man-made cave.
He burst from his office, again startling his family. They had all gathered near his office door. The table had been returned to order, and the candles relit. Four expectant faces looked at him with a mixture of fear and confusion.
Lunging toward the front door, he grabbed a lantern and without a word raced out into the night. Holding the lantern aloft and his codex clutched to his chest, he ran across the courtyard. At this late hour, he encountered only one servant: a large man with biceps of rock who guarded the entrance to his home.
“Who goes there?” he bellowed, throwing out an arm to stop Nicodemus.
“It is I, your master, let me pass,” Nicodemus said, choking on the lumps in his throat.
Both men flinched at the awkward sound of his voice, but the guard’s arm did not move.
“My master is in bed. He would not be out at such an hour in such low appearance.”
Nicodemus swore. His disguise. Ripping off a worn black cloak, Nicodemus flung it at the guard’s feet.
Seeing his master’s face more clearly and his silken robes, he stepped back in shock and opened his mouth as if to beg forgiveness, but Nicodemus was not interested. He pushed past the man and hurried out into the dark streets.
No one else questioned his presence or his flight. Most turned their eyes away respectfully, some even in fear. Everyone knew Nicodemus, but tonight Nicodemus cared for no one. He made his way out of the city and up to the Garden of Gethsemane. It was late and dark. Here he could be alone.
Alone except for the one with whom he needed to speak.
Falling to his knees again in the wet grass, Nicodemus set the lantern down gingerly and threw his head back. Not one star from the heavens shone down on him, clouds covered the night sky and hid the moon. All was dark.
“…men loved darkness instead of light …” Jesus had said. [9]
“Lord,” he cried out. “I don’t understand!”
His words rang into the night, carried on a breeze, but no one answered. Nicodemus wanted to keep shouting, raging like a violent storm, but a vision of Elijah entered his mind.
“Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting mountains and breaking rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. Then there came a voice to him that said…”[10]
“What are you doing here, Elijah?” Nicodemus whispered into the silence.
The breeze continued to blow softly.
Nicodemus felt his mind stirring. “What are you doing here, Nicodemus?” he asked, and with his words the air became still.
Nicodemus took a long, slow breath. He had come here looking for the Lord.
“Lord, I’m frustrated,” he confessed into the night.
His voice sounded loud to his ears in the silence. Too rough, too dry.
Closing his eyes again and bowing his head, he approached the God of the Universe in prayer.
“Lord, I am defeated. In one moment, with one short conversation, I am undone. This man, this Galilean, has caused me to question everything I know. He tells me that everything I know is nothing.”
“Are you a teacher of Israel, and yet you do not understand these things?” [11]
“Lord, I don’t understand. I was born knowing that my life is in your hands. I never questioned your power, your authority, your word. It was given to me in the Torah, from the temple, by men of knowledge and understanding. I wanted nothing more than to know your wisdom, to follow your ways. I learned. I studied. I gave my entire life to you. I gave you back everything you had given me in order to lead your people. I have been your servant. I thought I was doing everything right. Jesus says I am doing it all wrong!”
“Are you a teacher of Israel, and yet you do not understand these things?” [12]
“According to this man, Jesus, who calls himself the Son of Man, everything I have ever done for you has been a mistake. My job was to teach the people purity, how to follow your law to the letter without error. He says I have missed the point. He tells me that my life is a failure.
“Am I failure?” Nicodemus whispered. “Have I failed you?”
Doubt filled Nicodemus’ mind. He refused to admit he had failed.
“I am only wrong if I believe he is who he claims to be,” Nicodemus said aloud. “Jesus claims he is the Son of Man but is he?” Opening his eyes, he took in the blackness surrounding him. He looked down on the lantern, burning low, close to going out.
“…men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil.”[13]
“My deeds are not evil,” Nicodemus said and then snuffed out the lantern, plunging everything around him into darkness. He could not see his own hands in front of him, but he could feel them shaking. His uncontrollable anger was rising again. Nicodemus put his hands down and grabbed on to the wet grass, pulling it out in clumps.
“Lord, I believe that this man, Jesus, comes from you. He has come to teach us something important, but if he is right, I am so angry with you Lord. I am defeated. By you! I trusted your word and the teachers of Israel you provided. They fooled me. They led me astray.”
“You led me astray!” Nicodemus screamed throwing blades of grass into the air and feeling them pelt him on the face. Pushing angrily to his feet, Nicodemus began to stomp across the ground.
It occurred to him that maybe Jesus was the deceiver. He had been fighting his whole life against the devil, against the serpent. What had Jesus said about the serpent?
“Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert, so the Son of Man must be lifted up.”[14]
That was the answer. He was not a fool. What he believed to be true still stood because Jesus was the evil one. Jesus was the serpent. He practically admitted it.
“Now I see,” Nicodemus whispered with a smile. His anger cooling as he regained his confidence.
Turning to grab his things, Nicodemus stepped on a wet patch of leaves. Losing his footing, he fell, a sharp pain stabbing him in the ankle, and smashed his face into the ground. Dirt entered his mouth and wet blades of grass stabbed him in the eye. He fell sideways and began to roll down the hill. Landing hard on the earth, he gasped for air. In his blindness and pain, verses from Malachi came into his mind:
“And now, O priests, this command is for you. If you will not listen, if you will not lay it to heart to give glory to my name, says the Lord of hosts… I will put you out of my presence… you have turned aside from the way; you have caused many to stumble by your instruction… you have shown partiality in your instruction.”[15]
“Partiality in your instruction.” Nicodemus was afraid.
Surging to his feet and ignoring his throbbing ankle, Nicodemus crawled and slipped back up the hill to the garden. Bowing low to the ground, Nicodemus prayed:
“I still draw near to you Lord. I fall at your feet. Do not let me stumble. Do not let me turn a blind eye to this Jesus. Not now. Not when it seems that time is drawing short. I don’t know what to make of this man. I believe that he must be sent from you, but his words contradict everything I see, know, and believe. How can I reconcile this? How can he come from you and yet not see the world as I see it? I have given my life in service to you, learning your word, seeking to follow your way.
“I don’t know where else to go Lord. You are my all. Help me see the truth. Truth. Jesus also spoke of the truth.”
“But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.”[16]
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”[17]
“Can this be true, Lord? Is this man your son? Is he the messiah we have been waiting for? Help me lay down my pride, all that I know, and find your truth. Help me Lord as only you can. Help me see how to work this out. Help me know where to begin.”
Nicodemus bowed his head in silence for a long time, but no further answers came. Weakly he pulled himself to standing and groped in the dark for his candle and codex. Dragging his aching foot, he hobbled slowly back to town. Defeated and crushed by his doubt, Nicodemus knew not what to do next. Reaching the gates of the city, he learned heavily against the wall and blinked at the harsh light of the guards’ torches.
He looked down at his codex, covered in grass and dirt, wet to the touch and sighed. Flipping it open to the first page, he found the first verses of Genesis scrawled in his own scratchy hand.
“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said, ‘Let there be light’, and there was light. God saw that the light was good; and he separated the light from the darkness.”[18]
Nicodemus could hear Jesus’ voice in his head.
“This is the verdict, Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil.”[19]
Nicodemus looked again at the first words of the Torah: “In the beginning…”
“I will begin again,” he said aloud.
“What was that now?” asked a nearby guard, moving near to inspect Nicodemus’ face.
“I will begin again,” he repeated, pulling himself upright and returning the guard’s stare.
“Sir,” the guard said, standing up straighter, a look of distrust spreading across his face.
“I will begin again,” Nicodemus repeated a third time before moving off into the city, making his way home.
“I will begin again,” he told the few people in the street.
“I will begin again,” he told the guard standing at his door, who stepped aside without comment to let him pass.
This time when Nicodemus pushed open the door, the entry was deserted. Everyone had gone to bed, and although Nicodemus was tired and weak, he pushed on into his office.
Gathering the scrolls from the floor and organizing them on his desk, Nicodemus smiled. He pulled out his codex and started to write:
“I will begin again.”
Looking at the words, Nicodemus tossed the codex aside and stumbled over to his bookshelf. Grabbing a new, blank codex, he opened to the first page.
“I will begin again,” he said as he wrote. A smile crept up his face, setting his eyes alight with a new fire. “I will relearn everything I thought I knew. This time I will not listen to what other sinful men want to teach me. I will only listen to the voice of the Lord.” Proverbs, he thought:
“My child, if you accept my words and treasure up my commandments within you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; if you indeed cry out for insight, and raise your voice for understanding; if you seek it like silver, and search for it as for hidden treasures—then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk blamelessly, guarding the paths of justice and preserving the way of his faithful ones. Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path; for wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul; prudence will watch over you; and understanding will guard you. It will save you from the way of evil, from those who speak perversely, who forsake the paths of uprightness to walk in the ways of darkness…”[20]
“I will relearn,” Nicodemus told himself. “And I will be either confirmed in my beliefs or reborn as Jesus said. God’s knowledge will save me from evil.”
Nicodemus lay aside his quill and turned again to look out the window. Now the sky had begun to clear and a few bright stars looked down and seemed to press Nicodemus forward.
“I want to believe,” Nicodemus told the stars. “I want to come to the light. I don’t want to live in darkness any longer.”
Turning back to his desk, Nicodemus pulled out his chair and sat down intending to get to work at once. Time was running short, for Jesus if his fellow Pharisees had anything to say about it, and for everyone if Jesus was right.
[1] John 3:10, ESV
[2] Proverbs 29:11, NIV
[3] John 3:8, NIV
[4] John 3:10, ESV
[5] John 3:19, NIV
[6] John 3:3, ESV
[7] John 3:4, ESV
[8] John 3:10, ESV
[9] John 3:19, NIV
[10] I Kings 19:11b-13, NRSV
[11] John 3:10, ESV
[12] John 3:10, ESV
[13] John 3:19, NIV
[14] John 3:14, NIV
[15] Malachi 2:1a, 3b, 8a, 9b
[16] John 3:21, NIV
[17] John 3:16, NIV
[18] Genesis 1:1-4, NIV
[19] John 3:19, NIV
[20] Proverbs 2:1-13, NRSV